You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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