Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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