It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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