I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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