Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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