I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
