you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
