he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize