Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
We left an ass print on the piano.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
