When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
