I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I wanna passion pit in your ass
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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