i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize