Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize
