3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
