theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
