Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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