Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
