We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize