just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
