Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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