You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm just crazy horny about you
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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