I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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