I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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