she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
