you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
