Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
