He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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