R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
