Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
