my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
