god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
