a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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