I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
