Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
