Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
