how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
