Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
