I accidentally had phone sex last night
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
