dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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