2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
