He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
it's like iHOP with fire
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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