There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
