In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
