he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
