dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
