i think my tv is drunk
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
