i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
