The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
