The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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