You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I need moral support for this bender
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
