Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
