So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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