Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
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