Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Never joke about your clitoris.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
