No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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